I was grown when I made two trips to the grocer's to carry 12 heavy bags 8 city blocks home because my sister hadn't come to pick up several of her children in a few days, my mother was too sick to drive to the store and the phone was off.
I was 14 at the time.
maybe i need to clarify. I do have physical chemistry with school friend. I have EVERY type of chemistry with school friend, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. I DO see him as a marriage prospect. i think he would make an excellent husband. i said kissing "summer love" didn't feel the same, BECAUSE i like school friend so much. "school friend" is willin to make all types of changes in his life to be with me. i have love for him. i just don't think i'm in love wt him, because if i was i would not have been up in summer love's house. ..as i'm writing this,and have been thinking about since for the past 2 weeks, i realize more fully how strong i feel about school friend, and think that summer love was just a fling i need to forget about.
:grab some popcorn and kool aid y'all, i done did it again....:
ok my senior year in high school i tried to get into a club wit a id. I got busted, and these two college kids outside was joning me for doing it. One of em was kinda cute, but he made me mad so i wasn't on him. a few months later, i saw him again cuz i worked at Mcdonald's and he came through drive-through and we recognized each other. but then i left for college and never saw him again.
fast forward to this past summer, 3 years later, i go to a different club WITH my college and state ID since i can do that now lol, and i see this guy again. I recognize him immediately because he is FINE: 6'4'', dark skinned, long curly hair, Ethiopian. Prettiest smile and sexiest swagger. Once inside, he asks me to dance, but doesn't recognize me. we get it for like 4 songs straight, then he takes me by the hand and we have a GREAT conversation outside for like 20 minutes wit a drink. i don't tell him who i am till the end of the conversation, then he laughs and apologizes for joning me his freshman year of college. i also tell him that tho i go back to school in 3 weeks i want to kick it with him. he calls me after the 3 day rule.
and kick it we do, 3x a week until i leave. summer romances are the greatest, aren't they? (so are fabulous kissers). however, we are both reasonable adults and both realized that we coulndt be 2gthr since we lived on opposite parts of the country, and he graduates this year. So we decided to just enjoy each other's company the three weeks i had left. This was the hardest, deepest, quickest infatuation i've ever put myself in....and it HURT when i had to leave at the end of the summer. i couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, dropped weight, everyone at school was like, dang, you must've been working out this summer! i didn't call him 'cuz that would've made it worse. but i was sick over this man cause we connected in that short period of time. like, i had him really open even during the first few conversations, and he eventually had me open, and i don't do that, i'm a very guarded person. and of course you can't love someone in 3 weeks, but we were...vibing or something, i don't kno how to describe it.
so i accept my lot, write a few poems, try to get over him and not be a child. semester progresses, and a very good friend of mine start kicking it a little harder, and THAT turns into a romance. he confesses that he's loved me for a year, but just was afraid to tell me. and he really does. like, its scary how much he loves me. i feel very strongly for him, find him physically attractive (6'1'', nice build, caramel complexion, dredlocs i both started and have been cultivating for a year ), am genuinely interested in his well-being, and thinks he has a great personality. though i wouldn't call it love. we have this ridiculously romantic un-official relationship within which scenarios happen that seem straight out of a screenplay...more of an understanding than something with titles 'cause titles complicate life.
well anyways, i'm on winter break now, and guess who i run into but mr. summer love! we kick it a couple times, and its like i never left, everything is all comfortable and stuff, easy flowing conversation with no lags in air time. but the hole time i'm with him i hear a voice saying, "he's not (school friend), he's not (school friend)..." i try to put that voice out of my mind because i was so obsessed with this guy over the summer and REALLY thought i would never see him again and now i'm in his presence.i also felt the need to test what i feel for school friend .but i kiss him, and it doesn't feel the same. cause he's not (school friend). i sleep over his house(not sex, just layin together) cuz it was superlate, and he was like "all the girls i want i can't have...i guess we just weren't meant to be".and now he won't be back in my city until 3 days before i leave to go back to school. so i have one last chance to see him. But i'm afraid to!
I'M CONFUSED! how can i be lovesick and dropping weight over a man, then a few months later be romantically linked with a friend who would take a bullet for me, then a week later be in first man's bed? If mr. summer love and i weren't meant to be together, why do we keep running into each other? But if school friend loves me and i care about him, why am i even messing with mr. summer love? school friend has husband potential, fills my every need, but sometimes displays hints of insecurity. mr. summer love is confident, challenges me intellectually, but sometimes displays hints of laziness. HELP!!!
stretch marks should be inconsequential unless she got them Eves going on. I know plenty of men who have stretch marks on their shoulders and hips from gaining weight or growing muscles so its not always a signifier of fatness
I toss about like flotsam on the sea
and flail my arms like first-alighted birds
a lone tear of frustration escapes me,
runs down my cheek. I taste internal words.
I turn to face the wall and count the lines
as some count sheep, to lethargy induce.
I sip on herbal tea, a glass of wine,
i read a book of remedies profuse,
assume the pose of children in the womb.
Closer to my objective I draw not.
Incline, supine, new temperature of room
has no effect, so I accept my lot:
Despite what I ingest, contort, or weep,
without you near, I cannot fall sleep.
As streetlight filters through the closed vertical blinds
Giving third dimension to the pictures on your wall
Outlining your face with silver thread
And your silhouette moves on top of me, finding my lips
You spin me tumbling down a lightless well named “feels so good”
the darkness of your skin
gently blends with the darkness of the room
two delectable shades of black
engulfing me as the sea depth
or the space depths
or the depths of the right side under my bed
where my favorite shoes always slide to
and my roommate is too lazy to climb under and get them so they
stay there for safekeeping
darkness of the paper bag my grandmother
slips her peaches in for two days
so they ripen just enough to slake both hunger and thirst at the same time
forcing your fingers to work diligently because light’s lack renders my body a film negative
relying on the echolocation of my sighs and moans
to determine how close I am to achieving
my tongue exploring the darkness of your mouth
speaking inaudible sentences
imagining what isn’t completely concealed by the
reading your goose bumps like Braille
traveling the expanse of you
your tensings and trembles telling me where to go
when to go,
how to go
you ask to taste my personal darkness
holding vats of sweet wine
trickling forth for only you
glad the late hour covers my blush
as we take our time not to stumble
in the dark
carefully entangling our bodies in
the most complicated of ways
because crossed fingers and toes are not enough
to wish the minutes into hours
and the dawn out of existence
So in defiance of the approaching light